Funny And Humorous Christmas Quotes that will make you laugh


Merry Christmas Quotes, Snowman

Merry Christmas quotes and wishes can brighten your loved ones. Always appreciate and feel gratitude towards this special holiday and share the wisdom. To help you get through the stress of holiday season, check out these funny Christmas quotes and sayings to keep you jolly through the season…

1. Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall. - Larry Wilde

2. "The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband." - Joan Rivers

3. "Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking?" - Arlo Guthrie

4. "I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included." - Bernard Manning

5. "Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?" - Tom Armstrong

6. "Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit." - Author Unknown

7. "You know you're getting old, when Santa starts looking younger.' - Robert Paul

8. "I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph." - Shirley Temple

9. "Christmas is the season when you buy this year's gifts with next year's money." - Author Unknown

10. People really act weird at Christmas time! What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree in the living room and eat nuts and sweets out of your socks? -Author Unknown

11. "The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin." - By Jay Leno

12. "Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking?" - Arlo Guthrie

13. "Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present." - Author Unknown

14. "Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music." - By Tom Sims

15. "Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit." - Kin Hubbard

16. "Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of this day - the birth of Santa?" - Bart Simpson

17. "Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year." - Victor Borge

18. "A Christmas miracle is when your family doesn't get into a single argument all day." - Melanie White

19. "It's the holiday season. Let the overeating begin!" - Melanie White

20. "There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips

21. "You know you're getting old, when Santa starts looking younger." - Robert Paul

22. "Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall." - Larry Wilde

23. "Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas." - Kin Hubbard

24. "Once again, we come to the Holiday Season,
a deeply religious time that each of us observes,
in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice." - Author Unknown

25. "Christmas is the season when you buy this year's gifts with next year's money." - Author Unknown

26. "Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money." - Author Unknown

27. "There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neck ties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them." - P.J. O'Rourke

28. In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!' - Dave Barry

29. "Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year." - By Victor Borge

30. "Who's the bane of Santa's life? The elf and safety officer." - By Catherine Tate

31. "Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas." - Johnny Carson

32. "The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other." - Johnny Carson

33. "The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live." - George Carlin

34. "Handmade presents are scary because they reveal that you have too much free time." - Doug Coupland

35. "There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas." - Robert Lynd

36. "I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays." - Henny Youngman

37. "There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips

38. "Unless we make Christmas an occasion to share our blessings, all the snow in Alaska won't make it "white".' - Bing Crosby

39. "Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven." - W. C. Fields

40. "Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet." - Author Unknown

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